I completely finished school on Thursday of last week. I handed in my lab report to my supervisors and that was that. Oddly enough, no celebration or anything. Funny thing is since then, I've been back to campus another two times. Seems like I just can't get enough of the place.
I didn't even have a congratulatory/celebratory drink myself until 2 nights ago. Where I sat in my room by myself having a beer. I think that was the first time in at least half a year that I have really been able to relax. And that's much of an understatement as well, given the fact that I was hardly relaxed at all while sitting there. In fact, I think after finishing school, that I am actually more stressed and anxious than before.
Life throws curveballs when you least expect it. It's the unfortunately side effect of not being in control of our fate. What does the future of a recent graduand hold? In today's declining economy, job security is virtually impossible. Research centres previously were reluctant to, and now simply do not, hire undergraduate personnel. Graduate studies are the only option, and I'm pushing my luck with looking elsewhere from Edmonton.
Life is full of change. With summer ahead and and many planned vacations, it leaves the rest of us to wonder the "what if's". Every year it happens, but it seems more evident today than ever before. What exactly happens when a person goes on vacation? The person that originally left us, never truly returns. Chemical processes that occur while thinking and storing memory modify our brains. Our mentality is constantly changing, and our travels expose us to such cultural elements, that we never return home as the same person. Our experiences shape our personality, and our outlook on life. One can claim to be well traveled and cultured through books, pictures and anecdotes, but it is ultimately the experience of a new way of life that alters us the most dramatically.
What is it that drives human emotion? What part of nature sits on the back burner for all of us, and ultimately steers our individuality?
The past month and no doubt the months to come are a time for vast transformation. The transition from adolescence to true adulthood is a difficult and lengthy process which any 20-something year old can tell you is nothing short of life altering.
I have felt my own internal changes occurring recently, and their every intention to burst the seams through to the surface. Everything from my outward appearance, to my behaviour and my way of thinking. It's time to make way for a new person. Whether this is wanted or not is beyond anyone's control. It's a part of life and must be accepted either way.
This potentially drastic evolution comes down to the meaning of life. Or of one's life. I've wasted a lot of time doing nothing with my life. The last six months have brought me a well-paying job and a superior boyfriend, among many things. It has brought me new friendships, renewed some old ones, tested long standing ones and ultimately destroyed others. It has brought feelings of anger, frustration and extreme boughts of sadness, but it has also brought happiness and ultimately, understanding. Some of this happened early on, and some of it was a journey. Unfortunately some have been attained too late, and potentially costly decisions were made. Regret is always the crucial feeling, and represent humanity and morality, underneath the cold hard surface.
The ultimate lesson in life is that of standing in someone else's shoes. To understand how your behaviour and your actions affect someone else's mood, their day, possibly even their life. Lessons in life are there are guidance, as checkpoints we use to ensure we don't stray from the right path. Our emotions tell us when we are hurting ourselves, or others. They tell us when what we're doing is considered culturally or immorally wrong. They keep our sins minimal, and promote altruistic habits. Humans are sinners. We always were, and always will be. But we have developed language, and many forms of non-verbal communication, to convey our thoughts. Our higher ability has led to the development of a strong sense of community, and the ability to look beyond ourselves and for the benefit of others.
Despite this it is still a concerted effort. Many of us stray from the path of righteousness and it is in the best interest of everyone to look out for these people. Some of us can make it without outside help, some of us need a slight nudge in the right direction. Mankind is capable of good, as we see today and have seen for long periods of time now, with charity and beneficence.
Given all the uncertainties and the faults in life, we eventually only have each other. The fatal flaw, is the need to have someone we can rely on, who in the end will leave us behind, or will use us as a means to an end. In due course, the one person we all know best is ourselves. Trust and belief are difficult things to come by, and are even more difficult if you have attained them only to carelessly toss them to the wayside.
To have you here to hold in my arms would be the ultimate dream. The feel of your skin next to mine is something I would give nothing short of the world for. My life transformation has only begun. You bear witness to the dramatic changes in personality and I assure you this is only the beginning. The journey has begun, toward the develop of a new person. Your presence in my life has had a marked impact, and despite the fact that you are gone, the influence is not. My glaring ignorance of your feelings encompass the largest regret of my life because you are the single largest motivator in my life, toward the development of a stronger and more independent person capable of bigger and better things than ever before. I thank you for the change you have spurred.
"You never really know a man until you understand things from his point of view, until you climb into his skin and walk around in it"
- Harper Lee, To Kill A Mockingbird
No comments:
Post a Comment